1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,' send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'......
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack and our driver ran away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!
6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'
Friday, 4 December 2009
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Creation
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family for this, I will g give you a life span of sixty Years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty, I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family for this, I will g give you a life span of sixty Years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty, I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Amish at the mall
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son: "Go get your mother."
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son: "Go get your mother."
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Activity and exercise
But activity is not the same as exercise.
Are you active? Do you exercise?
Exercise is superior for health to mere activity. While both activity and exercise are important as they are involved in vital physical movement, they vary in degree and benefits. Both activity and exercise employ the body in voluntary movement. Activity uses the body to a limited degree and generally to achieve a specific purpose. Exercise employs the body over the widest possible range of movement for the particular purpose of maintaining or acquiring muscle tone and control with maximum joint flexibility. Activity requires less physical effort and often less conscious effort once the routine has been established. Exercise demands considerable physical effort and is more beneficial as mental concentration is simultaneously employed.
Overcome depression with activity.
The depressive mood can be overcome by activity. Those who are depressive will forget their misery by doing something. They should turn away from themselves and consider others. At home they can take to decorating, repairing or constructing something new. The pleasure of achievement overcomes the distress of depression.
Exercise also plays an important role in the treatment of depression. It not only keeps the body physically and mentally fit but also provides recreation and mental relaxation. It is nature' best tranquilliser. According to Dr. Robert Brown, a clinical associate professor at the University of Virginia School of Medicine," Exercise produces chemical and psychological changes that improves your mental health. It changes the levels of hormones in blood and may elevate your beta-endorphins(mood-affecting brain chemicals). Exercise may also improve the function of the autonomic nervous system."
To find out more use the medical search engine
Are you active? Do you exercise?
Exercise is superior for health to mere activity. While both activity and exercise are important as they are involved in vital physical movement, they vary in degree and benefits. Both activity and exercise employ the body in voluntary movement. Activity uses the body to a limited degree and generally to achieve a specific purpose. Exercise employs the body over the widest possible range of movement for the particular purpose of maintaining or acquiring muscle tone and control with maximum joint flexibility. Activity requires less physical effort and often less conscious effort once the routine has been established. Exercise demands considerable physical effort and is more beneficial as mental concentration is simultaneously employed.
Overcome depression with activity.
The depressive mood can be overcome by activity. Those who are depressive will forget their misery by doing something. They should turn away from themselves and consider others. At home they can take to decorating, repairing or constructing something new. The pleasure of achievement overcomes the distress of depression.
Exercise also plays an important role in the treatment of depression. It not only keeps the body physically and mentally fit but also provides recreation and mental relaxation. It is nature' best tranquilliser. According to Dr. Robert Brown, a clinical associate professor at the University of Virginia School of Medicine," Exercise produces chemical and psychological changes that improves your mental health. It changes the levels of hormones in blood and may elevate your beta-endorphins(mood-affecting brain chemicals). Exercise may also improve the function of the autonomic nervous system."
To find out more use the medical search engine
Thursday, 16 April 2009
It’s cheaper to rent in central London
The best way to enjoy London for some serious sales bargain hunting is to find yourself a lovely flat to rent short term, and settle in to being a Londoner for a few days of freedom at a great price.
Renting is so much cheaper than staying in hotels in central London and allows you to be your own person - cook and entertain friends at half the price of having to feed them in hotel restaurants.
Renters have never had so much choice. Thousands of flats are available through specialist property companies offering flexible flats with all the benefits of being in a hotel - with a well informed, uniformed concierge ready to take your bags or hail you a cab without the high cost.
The supply of properties is being boosted by cash strapped private landlords, who are moving out and renting their homes to generate income.
"At this time of year there is always demand from overseas visitors but another group of people who want homes are those who have sold their houses and need to rent while they look for another one" says Lucy Morton of estate agent WA Ellis.
‘It is now possible to move in for a night, a week or a month’
Traditionally a typical short term let was for three months but it is now possible to move in for a night, a week or a month. "The downside of short term lets is the shorter the tenancy, the more expensive it will be, and they might have to accept the fact that the landlord will want to show potential new clients around the property."
Residential Land has a portfolio of 1,500 furnished apartments in new-build developments and mansion blocks across 25 central London postcodes. The company manages the buildings itself, meaning tenants do not have to deal with estate agents. Rents start at £250 a week.
At Grand Plaza, a scheme of 205 apartments in Bayswater, studios cost from £99 per night, much cheaper than an equivalent standard hotel room. Apartments have open-plan kitchens, television, telephone and broadband plus cleaning and laundry services.
Frasers offers fully-serviced apartments at seven prestige "residences" in Kensington and Chelsea, most with no "minimum-stay" restrictions. The company’s motto is "creature comforts and a budget-friendly price tag". It also provides a full hospitality service - in-room dining, theatre tickets, restaurant reservations and so on. Family apartments are available, and some residences have a gym, swimming pool and children’s play area.
Renting is so much cheaper than staying in hotels in central London and allows you to be your own person - cook and entertain friends at half the price of having to feed them in hotel restaurants.
Renters have never had so much choice. Thousands of flats are available through specialist property companies offering flexible flats with all the benefits of being in a hotel - with a well informed, uniformed concierge ready to take your bags or hail you a cab without the high cost.
The supply of properties is being boosted by cash strapped private landlords, who are moving out and renting their homes to generate income.
"At this time of year there is always demand from overseas visitors but another group of people who want homes are those who have sold their houses and need to rent while they look for another one" says Lucy Morton of estate agent WA Ellis.
‘It is now possible to move in for a night, a week or a month’
Traditionally a typical short term let was for three months but it is now possible to move in for a night, a week or a month. "The downside of short term lets is the shorter the tenancy, the more expensive it will be, and they might have to accept the fact that the landlord will want to show potential new clients around the property."
Residential Land has a portfolio of 1,500 furnished apartments in new-build developments and mansion blocks across 25 central London postcodes. The company manages the buildings itself, meaning tenants do not have to deal with estate agents. Rents start at £250 a week.
At Grand Plaza, a scheme of 205 apartments in Bayswater, studios cost from £99 per night, much cheaper than an equivalent standard hotel room. Apartments have open-plan kitchens, television, telephone and broadband plus cleaning and laundry services.
Frasers offers fully-serviced apartments at seven prestige "residences" in Kensington and Chelsea, most with no "minimum-stay" restrictions. The company’s motto is "creature comforts and a budget-friendly price tag". It also provides a full hospitality service - in-room dining, theatre tickets, restaurant reservations and so on. Family apartments are available, and some residences have a gym, swimming pool and children’s play area.
Ten tips for Tenants
1. Be very careful who you share the property with, particularly if you are all signing the same tenancy agreement - by doing this you are making yourself liable for their share of the rent as well as your own. You should only sign a tenancy agreement with someone you can trust.
2. Make sure you understand the tenancy agreement before you sign it. If there is anything you don't understand, take advice - e.g. from a Citizens Advice Bureau, a Law Centre, your local Shelter Officer, or a solicitor (many of them offer a free or fixed price initial interview)
3. If your landlord takes a damage deposit after 6 April or your tenancy is renewed after this date, the deposit will normally need to be protected by one of the government authorised tenancy deposit schemes. Find out which scheme your landlord or agent is using and check the rules. Make sure that the deposit is actually protected by checking with the scheme administrators if you are suspicious.
4. When you first go into the property, check the contents and condition of the property carefully against the inventory (if there is one). If anything is damaged or in poor condition, make sure you notify this to the landlord immediately in writing and keep a copy of the letter. This will help you if you have any dispute regarding the damage deposit at the end of the tenancy.
5. If there are any gas appliances in the property, your landlord must have these inspected by a CORGI registered plumber every year and give you a certificate confirming this, both when you go into the property and annually after that. Make sure he does this. If not, you can complain to your local Health and Safety Executive.
6. Once you are in the property, you are entitled to live there without any interference from the landlord. For example he is not entitled to enter the property without your permission.
7. Your landlord is required by law to keep in proper repair the exterior and structure of the property; the installations for the supply of water, gas, electricity and for sanitation; basins, sinks, baths and other sanitary installations; and heating and hot water installations. If this is not done you can complain to either your local environmental heath department or the tenancy relations office at your local authority.
8. It is a criminal offence for your landlord to evict you other than by getting a possession order through the courts or to harass you or do anything likely to make you vacate the property. You may also be entitled to an injunction and/or damages to compensate you if this happens.
9. If you have children or are disabled or are vulnerable in some other way, you will be entitled to be re-housed by the local authority if you are evicted by your landlord from your home. Speak to the Homelessness Officer (or equivalent) at your local Authority. However take note that you may lose this right if the eviction could have been avoided e.g. if you are evicted for rent arrears when you could have paid the rent.
10. When you leave the property, make an appointment with the landlord or his agent to check over the property and its condition. If there is any dispute regarding the repayment of the damage deposit, for example if you consider your landlord's proposed deductions are unfair and your landlord will not negotiate, contact the scheme administrators of the tenancy deposit scheme used by your landlord and let them know. You are entitled to ask that the dispute be referred to arbitration. Do not delay in dealing with this as there may be a time limit.
2. Make sure you understand the tenancy agreement before you sign it. If there is anything you don't understand, take advice - e.g. from a Citizens Advice Bureau, a Law Centre, your local Shelter Officer, or a solicitor (many of them offer a free or fixed price initial interview)
3. If your landlord takes a damage deposit after 6 April or your tenancy is renewed after this date, the deposit will normally need to be protected by one of the government authorised tenancy deposit schemes. Find out which scheme your landlord or agent is using and check the rules. Make sure that the deposit is actually protected by checking with the scheme administrators if you are suspicious.
4. When you first go into the property, check the contents and condition of the property carefully against the inventory (if there is one). If anything is damaged or in poor condition, make sure you notify this to the landlord immediately in writing and keep a copy of the letter. This will help you if you have any dispute regarding the damage deposit at the end of the tenancy.
5. If there are any gas appliances in the property, your landlord must have these inspected by a CORGI registered plumber every year and give you a certificate confirming this, both when you go into the property and annually after that. Make sure he does this. If not, you can complain to your local Health and Safety Executive.
6. Once you are in the property, you are entitled to live there without any interference from the landlord. For example he is not entitled to enter the property without your permission.
7. Your landlord is required by law to keep in proper repair the exterior and structure of the property; the installations for the supply of water, gas, electricity and for sanitation; basins, sinks, baths and other sanitary installations; and heating and hot water installations. If this is not done you can complain to either your local environmental heath department or the tenancy relations office at your local authority.
8. It is a criminal offence for your landlord to evict you other than by getting a possession order through the courts or to harass you or do anything likely to make you vacate the property. You may also be entitled to an injunction and/or damages to compensate you if this happens.
9. If you have children or are disabled or are vulnerable in some other way, you will be entitled to be re-housed by the local authority if you are evicted by your landlord from your home. Speak to the Homelessness Officer (or equivalent) at your local Authority. However take note that you may lose this right if the eviction could have been avoided e.g. if you are evicted for rent arrears when you could have paid the rent.
10. When you leave the property, make an appointment with the landlord or his agent to check over the property and its condition. If there is any dispute regarding the repayment of the damage deposit, for example if you consider your landlord's proposed deductions are unfair and your landlord will not negotiate, contact the scheme administrators of the tenancy deposit scheme used by your landlord and let them know. You are entitled to ask that the dispute be referred to arbitration. Do not delay in dealing with this as there may be a time limit.
New rules for Home Information Packs - HIPs
Home owners now have to have a Home Information Pack ready before they put their property up for sale. In the past, vendors only had to order a HIP before putting their property on the market. Sellers also now need to put more details into the pack, including the council tax band of the property.
There have been criticisms of HIPs, with some claiming they are an "expensive waste of time". However, the Government says the changes give buyers in England and Wales (where HIPs apply) more clarity, and they welcome them.
Mike Ockenden, director general of the Association of HIP Providers, said: "HIPs provide buyers with a great deal of important information that should be taken into consideration before making an offer, from the home's energy efficiency to local search information."
Mr Ockenden also said that the new Property Information Questionnaire (PIQ) would give vital information to buyers in their search for a new home. It includes details on parking arrangements, utilities, any structural changes and the property’s council tax band.
Fines for people who put a property up for sale without a HIP and PIQ could start at £200 for estate agents or private sellers.
Many estate agents remain unhappy with HIPs, and say the new rules will make things worse. Chief executive of the National Association of Estate Agents (NAEA), Peter Bolton King, said, "An expensive waste of time is counterproductive at the best of times, but in a housing slump HIPs are downright damaging." He said the scheme had been a costly failure and added an unnecessary burden to vendors.
There have been criticisms of HIPs, with some claiming they are an "expensive waste of time". However, the Government says the changes give buyers in England and Wales (where HIPs apply) more clarity, and they welcome them.
Mike Ockenden, director general of the Association of HIP Providers, said: "HIPs provide buyers with a great deal of important information that should be taken into consideration before making an offer, from the home's energy efficiency to local search information."
Mr Ockenden also said that the new Property Information Questionnaire (PIQ) would give vital information to buyers in their search for a new home. It includes details on parking arrangements, utilities, any structural changes and the property’s council tax band.
Fines for people who put a property up for sale without a HIP and PIQ could start at £200 for estate agents or private sellers.
Many estate agents remain unhappy with HIPs, and say the new rules will make things worse. Chief executive of the National Association of Estate Agents (NAEA), Peter Bolton King, said, "An expensive waste of time is counterproductive at the best of times, but in a housing slump HIPs are downright damaging." He said the scheme had been a costly failure and added an unnecessary burden to vendors.
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